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& Discovering the Hidden Reality of Life
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A personal reflection of one's youthful view of the "human dilemma" and the larger reality that eventually came into focus.
John Erickson
Maybe I don't exist. It seems possible. After all, we are nothing more than brain waves - electrical impulses - which exist... somewhere. Maybe in a jar in the far reaches of the universe. But, "far reaching" from where? Maybe this exists in a realm other than time. Or is time merely an illusion?
This is what ran through my mind at age 13. Existence was no more than a forced march through a tunnel of profitless activity that held no promise for the future.
I searched for "reality" in human relationships. Everyone seemed to talk all the time - about absolutely nothing.
"I saw this."
"I ate that."
They'd emphatically blurt every vapid point for 45 seconds — then begin again with another pointless point.
At home there was no discussion. At all.
All of this cultivated a sense of unreality within me. I observed new ideas with the assumption that life may be no more than a wispy nightmare. I didn't realize, though, that in this state, even very ordinary things can become meltdown‑worthy.
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No escape.
Hovering over an endless black sea of emptiness.
No living thing before you, behind you, in the past or in your future.
Everything familiar has been imaginary.
No "home base" to return to. No "safe spot", no connection.
Sentient non-being.
One day, a new comprehension of life's inherent "non-reality" overtook my mind. Of course, we're all aware of the fact of death from our earliest years. This experience, however, was different. I felt it. It immersed all my perceptions. Limitless nothingness. Everyone I know. Everyone I knew in the past. Me. Suspended in black emptiness on a temporary planet. One million light-years to the north: Nothing. One million light years to the south: Nothing. East. West. No life to rely on, no authority figure to appeal to in an attempt to make things "right" again.
No refuge here on earth: it all evaporates. "Real life" was no different from an illusion. I have no "home" to shelter me from this. There's nowhere to run. Every square inch of existence is just a virtual reality layered atop an illusion.
This is the state that found me in adolescence: Thorough and absolute existential paralysis.
I existed like a piece of rubber for the next six months. No feeling, no meaning, no expectation of change. I could not describe this to anyone else, for it would trigger the raw panic I felt when it first occurred. (Once — several months later — I hazarded a description of my experience to an adult acquaintance. His uncomprehending eyes underscored the fact that there was no solution. It drew no reaction from him but it reawakened my own panic state. I learned to keep my mouth shut after this.)
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Life is found by looking inward.
The outer world is merely a dim reflection of reality.
In time, I became sensitive to the minor details of life that gave meaning to our existence but weren't mentioned in books, weren't included in school curricula. The subtle fragrances of the flora in the woods at spring. The connectivity one experiences when making eye contact with animals here and there. Small things a teenager could never speak of without merciless ridicule from adult and peer alike.
These small things saved me from complete destruction. I learned to slow down my thinking. I knew that I was in the habit of analyzing each new thought without discrimination as to its usefulness. I understood that this was why I had absorbed the existential concept so devastatingly, without any emotional buffer to anchor me while I put the concept in a useful, more realistic perspective.
This new sensitivity to the "unwritten realities of life" likewise sensitized me to spiritual realities. Just as the majority of people give no thought to the subtle energies of nature that I found so sustaining, similarly the majority of mankind has no "feel" for spiritual energies. It made sense to me that man is an eternal being. I could feel it: the best work is done by people who are convinced that they will live forever. I took this as a sign that man was - originally - meant to do so.
But such certainties can only be awkwardly described to others — never persuasively explained.
Don't Lose Sight Of Yourself!
It's important to emphasize that the thoughts which lead us to existential dread do not reflect reality.
In the moment of despair the negatives seem very lucid and undeniable — but this is based on incomplete information.
The problem is that our focus has been trained to look exclusively to the external world for our understanding of reality.
But our life emanates from within. Its meaning is found by directing our focus toward our core, our spirit — and away from the lifeless universe which envelops our physical form.
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Jump Starting Your "Reality"
Over the years I came across some practical measures that helped me restore myself to a fuller awareness of life's purpose and my place in it.
I had to "get away from the intellect:" to not allow it to become the final judge of reality. The mind does a great job of cataloguing tangible facts but is a blind idiot when it comes to finding "meaning" to life. During our school years the competition to assimilate data as rapidly as possible breaks us from our natural balance of self awareness between intuition (spirit, or core), body and mind.
We become habituated to living exclusively in our heads, ignoring the gritty reality of our physicality and the reinvigorating energy of one's spirit (instinct or visceral desires).
I have found "grounding" to be key to surviving these oppressive perceptions.
1. Slow the analytical pulse of the intellect.
2. Get out of your head: Draw your awareness away from the intellect and into your core. Breathe deeply, as though you're inhaling through the soles of your feet. This focuses the consciousness onto our physical center or core.
3. Close your eyes and observe the warmth of the center of your forehead. Imagine that you're "seeing" through this spot, focusing the warmth, your energy, outward from this point.
Soles - core - crown. Your consciousness is running in a connected stream throughout your body, weaving your body, intellect and spirit into a singular state of awareness.
There are exercises and prayer actions that can be added to this. I'll often experience a feeling of "release" coming from my core, verbalizing spontaneous utterances "(speaking in tongues"). I just let it flow - this brings me to an awareness of a state of reality beyond my intellectual perception. It is intangible but very compelling insofar as revealing that there's more going on our existence than the temporary movements and noises that comprise our physical experience.
I've found this to be personally helpful in overcoming those miserable and deceptive states of mind and regard it as my "go to" when such feelings arise.
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When writing a kind of "guidebook" based on my experiences of overcoming depression several years ago, I presented a variety of state‑changing concepts which were helpful to me.
These concepts enabled me to see the reality of the hopeful and empowering nature of our existence — qualities seldom evident in our physical world. For me, it is the most important message I could present: these ideas truly saved my life — and made life itself a fulfilling and meaningful enterprise.
If this subject hits home with you ‑ either as a kindred spirit or as an outside observer ‑ you may find it revitalizing! I invite you to take a look:
• • •
• View "The Valid Self" on Kindle:
• ^^ View "The Valid Self" on Kindle ^^
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