Getting Your Social Life Back In Gear
•How to Make Small Talk
Where to Meet People
Asperger's & Party Behavior
What Women Want
Writing a Singles Ad


Get Going: The key ingredients you need to get your social life back in gear

[Edited from: ]

One thing is for sure, you need companionship and you should have discovered by now that you're certainly not going to meet Ms. Wonderful sitting home watching TV.

Unless you fall in love with the mailman, odds are Ms. Terrific is not going to come knocking on your door. It is going to take a lot of effort on your part, a lot of personal discipline to get dressed up and go out when it would be much easier to take a hot shower and go to bed.

You have to be alone for a while to get up enough "tired of being alone" motivation to get yourself going. But now that you have made up your mind to try it again, it's time to change your attitude. There's no gain in being bitter about rejection - Your attitude will make life pretty good.

If you're still smarting from the divorce or your last big hurt, read some good books on a positive mental attitude. Remember, everybody has scars from emotional hurts.

With your new positive mental attitude, you will be looking for the good in the people you meet and confident that you can maneuver events to your desired outcome.

If you think it is "impossible" to find an exciting person to spend the evening or a lifetime with, then it probably is. A negative attitude about single life is something you have to fight. You need to gain confidence that you are a great person in a great world and you are out to meet a great companion. EVERYTHING ELSE IS GOING TO TAKE A BACK SEAT until you firmly develop this outlook and master your world.

You are a product - a singles product. You have to sell the "product" if you want to attract the right person. You've got to make yourself the right person for someone else.

Part of attracting people is Positive Energy exuding from your attitue. If you're still sour grapes over your divorce or other rejection, you are not going to be the right person for anyone. Work on the personality.

Okay: we now need to polish up and package the product (you).

We all have the same materials to work with: the difference is how we shape and package our image.

All the world is a stage - are you showing the image that you really want to them to see? Step out of your body and take a good look at yourself. Are you put together and packaged to be attractive, a wanted commodity to the opposite sex?

Clothes. Select clothes that match your shape and colors that complement your coloring. Avoid anything far out until you really know where you are. No extremes, but do buy clothes that are fashionable.

Hair. If you or a friend can cut your hair in a professional manner, fine. Otherwise, this is one area you'll have to continually spend a few bucks for professional assistance.

For men and women, there is one basic fundamental that should not be overlooked: a good daily shower plus one before going out.

Underarm deodorant along with brushing the ivories are also fundamentals that shouldn't be overlooked.

Basically, show the other person you care about your appearance: they perceive that you value yourself, consequently they gain "status" by being in your midst. Make it a habit you do automatically, even when you are relaxing over a weekend.

Men and women both - don't comb your hair, etc., out in public. Primp in privacy.

You will soon discover which clothing and appearances (hair style, etc.) work the best for you. I have even heard of women bringing a change of clothing, wig - etc., along to a dance and if something isn't working or just not right, change. Now that might seem a little extreme to you but it does illustrate that packaging can make a difference.

But most of all, package yourself so that you have complete confidence you can successfully compete with all those other packages.

Your attitude and self-confidence are the fuel that make all the other preparations work. And they don't cost you a nickel. If you have some physical impairment, remember you aren't competing on a purely physical basis. Intellectually, you can compete 100%, so don't let physical impairment slow you down.

Now that you have confidence, you have the right attitude and right packaging, you haven't skipped and fundamentals- then you are ready to move into a new game. It's called get out and see and be seen as often as possible, as much as possible. Soon great things will happen.



Improving your social skills may start with looking at how you physically present yourself. We're not talking makeovers here; we're talking about posture, how you physically hold yourself. Many shy people try to take up as little physical space as possible, almost as if trying to make themselves disappear. Look at how you stand in front of a full-length mirror. Look at your posture. Like Mom said, stand up straight. Lift your chin a bit. Smile a little. Can you look relaxed and alert at the same time? Do you look approachable?

Try speaking to an imaginary person maybe someone you'd meet at the gym or at a party. How's the tone of your voice? Do you naturally speak very softly? Trying increasing your volume a bit, which will help you sound more confident. As you look in the mirror, are you looking yourself in the eye? An open, friendly gaze and a firm handshake create a positive impression. If looking someone in the eye is uncomfortable for you, practice in front of a mirror or with a friend.

If saying hello is a problem for many shy people, sometimes it can be just as hard to say "No." People who have a problem with assertiveness often acquiesce to requests and demands; they may avoid situations where people are likely to make such requests, and that just adds to the sense of social isolation. (If you've ever given-in to a telemarketer when you didn't want to do so, you could probably stand to be more assertive!) Look the person in the eye if it's a face-to-face encounter. You may feel uncomfortable for a moment many people do, because we've been taught to be "nice" but you'll have more self-confidence after speaking forthrightly.

[Edited From: ]



If your attempts to meet people have resulted in frequent rebuffs, that's a common problem especially in new social forums. In those situations it's best to move onto someone else or somePLACE else. For most of us, though, the problem is that we pre-reject OURSELVES.

When you circle interesting personals, but never answer them, you have not escaped rejection. When you decide that someone you've seen at a party really doesn't want to meet you, or probably isn't interested in dating right now, anyway, you have not escaped rejection. You've simply kept them from rejecting you by rejecting yourself.

Social skills are LEARNED skills, including the ability to meet people and to carry on conversations. Maybe you aren't necessarily a big hit at first, but you get better with practice. WHEN YOU REJECT YOURSELF, YOU GUARANTEE THAT YOU WON'T MAKE ANY PROGRESS, PERIOD.

So the "success" of a social interaction is not in any particular outcome, but in the fact that you're trying. Like Babe Ruth, in order to have big hits, you must also be willing to strike out.

Besides, other singles appreciate how difficult the whole social process can be. They are more understanding of major social flub-ups from someone making a sincere effort, than minor flubs from someone who thinks they know it all.

And asking people for advice or help on how to handle situations is usually more endearing than upsetting. It's a good idea to say, "I'd like to go with you to Chelmsford, but I've never been and I feel there may be a more fun place to go to."

Not meeting people because you've pre-rejected yourself will end your social life. Playing the game, even with the occasional strike out, is a necessary war that we have to fight if we're to stake our claim to life.


How To Talk 'n Stuff

Edited from:

Rule #1: Ask questions... any question! It is the simplest thing, and the most successful thing in making the first approach.

  • "Pardon me, but I see you have some there in your cart; can you tell me where the paper towels are?"
  • "Do you know what time the live music starts here?"
  • "How often does this group get together?"
  • "Do you know your back left tire is low?"

Whatever there is, always there is a question you can ask and you ask it of the person you want to make contact with.

Rule #2: Let them know you are interested! Let them know you are interested in them more than just as a conversation mate. You might assume that they'd know this... Yet, you must break the barriers of formality by putting it into words. If you're in a crowd, Get them away from the group. Whether it's just going out by the pool or going to some other night spot. This is called "cutting one out from the herd." Changing location gets you away from all the competition and distractions. If you are somewhere that you may all soon be leaving, suggest going for coffee and continuing the conversation.

Rule #3: Walk in like you own the place. Don't go apologizing around about your presence at that place. Excessive solitude breeds habits of inferiority - watch out for those! Don't let lack of confidence creep into your conversation. You win if you believe you win.

When you are going out to meet people, it's good to have a prop to help things along. Walking the dog, Reading/carrying a book, or knitting - just about anything is better than nothing. A prop gives you something to start a conversation about. Use your imagination. Carrying something that is unusual can lead to a conversation.

[Edited from: ]

Being Positive:

Nobody likes depressing or whining people. Everyone deals with their own problems as well as with their friend's problems - what makes you think they want to hear about yours? Although national defense against terrorist activity may be on a lot of people's minds, you have to find a topic that isn't depressing.

Try to be the highlight of the person's day by helping him/her forget his/her problems. You want her to remember your first conversation as happy and entertaining, especially when you are hoping that the person calls you. The key is surprising them: You want to come across as serious for about half a second, and then turn the whole thing into a joke.

You want to come across as fun, happy, and confident. Don't jump in with your name and life story. Say hello and test the waters. One-liners seem cheesy, but having something funny to say is the best way to break the ice. Once the ice is broken, the hardest part is done, so keep the conversation moving.

Making Conversation:
You want to keep the conversation flowing naturally. Start out with something in your current environment, and try to fish for some information about the person. When that topic dries up, move onto an open-ended question about something that they mentioned. We highly recommend not bringing up sex this early. Suggest going for a coffee.

Clothes: [RJ]
Your clothing radiates your "libidinous aura" to your target. This conveys self-confidence, and unconceern for critics - important marks of power when endeavoring to make contact with someone new. More Articles

How to Make Small Talk

  1. Practice. Converse with everyone you come across: cashiers, waiters, people you're in line with, neighbors, co-workers and kids. Chat with folks unlike yourself, from seniors to teens to tourists.

  2. Read everything: cookbooks, newspapers, magazines, reviews, product inserts, maps, signs and catalogs. Everything is a source of information that can be discussed.

  3. Force yourself to get into small talk situations, like doctors' waiting rooms, cocktail parties and office meetings. Accept invitations, or host your own gathering.

  4. Immerse yourself in culture, both high and low. Television, music, sports, fashion, art and poetry are great sources of chat. If you can't stand Shakespeare, that too is a good topic for talk.

  5. Keep a journal. Write down funny stories you hear, beautiful things you see, quotes, observations, shopping lists and calls you made. That story of the long-distance operator misunderstanding you could become an opening line.

  6. Talk to yourself in the mirror. Make a random list of topics and see what you have to say on the subjects. Baseball, Russia, butter, hip-hop, shoes ... the more varied your list, the better.

  7. Expand your horizons. Go home a new way. Try sushi. Play pinball. Go online. Paint a watercolor. Bake a pie. Try something new every day.

  8. Be a better listener. Did your boss just say she suffers from migraines? Did your doctor just have twins? These are opportunities for making small talk.

  9. Work on confidence, overcoming shyness and any feelings of stage fright. Remember, the more you know, the more you know you can talk about.

From . . . Google: How to Make Small Talk

Flirt Process

• (To: "Kavorka")

Understanding Flirting

If you DON'T understand how flirting and sexual tension work, then think when you were a kid and you used to "play fight" with your friends.

And how do you know the difference between "play" wrestling and "real" wrestling... when your friend runs up and pushes you down, then jumps on you and tries to pin you?

The answer is YOU JUST KNOW. It's obvious to humans - and animals - when someone is "playing" and when they're serious.

Flirting is the same thing.

If you start talking to a woman and say, "Hi, you're very pretty. You probably have a boyfriend, right?" in a normal tone of voice, you're NOT flirting.

If you know how to communicate the right way FROM THE BEGINNING, women will respond to you with a HIGH LEVEL of sexual interest and ATTRACTION.

Here's an example of some of one of my favorite topics to "riff on" when flirting: getting married and us being in a relationship:

Her: "I have a good job, and I make good money"

Me: "Nice. I like that in a woman. Want to get married? We could leave for Vegas right now and be married in about 4 or 5 hours. I need a woman with money."

Her: [Laughter] "OK, that sounds like a plan"

Me: "But wait a minute... do you think you can support the both of us on your income? I really want to be a stay at home husband... you know, keep an eye on the TV and such."

Her: "Oh, no... I won't support you."

Me: "Well, then I'm breaking up with you. It's over between us. I was going to marry you, then divorce you a week later and take half your money."

Her: [Laughter] "You can't break up with me! I'm not even your girlfriend."

Me: "That's all the more reason." you get what's going on here?

I'm taking a normal conversation topic (her job and income) and redirecting the conversation in a flirtatious, Cocky & Funny way to create a fun mood and sexual tension (by suggesting marriage, divorce, and breaking up over her not supporting me, etc.).

Try it on a waitress:
When you ask for something and she says, "I'm sorry, we don't have that", just say, "OK, this relationship isn't working out... I'm going to have to break up with you."

When you communicate like this, you're FLIRTING, you're TEASING, and you're initiating a DIFFERENT KIND OF COMMUNICATION than what most men initiate.

And as soon as the woman you're talking to "engages" you in this kind of dialogue, THE GAME IS ON.

If a woman puts her hand on your arm, look down at it, "dramatize" a look of surprise, raise your eyebrows... then start smiling and nodding your head as if you just realized that she wants you. This is powerful because it's funny, and it exaggerates the meaning in her touching you.

Edited from:

Talking Points


Teasing women, busting their balls, being slightly arrogant, not kissing up to them, etc. makes them feel attraction.

Remember that ATTRACTION isn't logical.

You've seen attractive women with guys who mistreat them and were exactly the opposite of what you'd expect a woman to accept. Why? ATTRACTION. She felt attraction, and no amount of being "bad" can convince a woman to leave.

Women AREN'T attracted to men who give away their power, kiss up to them, smother them with attention, act like whipped puppies, and get nervous just being in the same room with them.

Starting out bold says to her: "You are interesting enough to talk to, but you have to do more to impress me. You don't intimidate me, in fact, I'm so comfortable that I just noticed something about you that I'm going to make fun of..."

There is no faster way on earth to communicate all the right attitudes, beliefs, self-image, comfort, confidence, and power than to be Cocky + Funny.


They display the qualities of being open, sure of themselves, charming, and interested in you. These are qualities that are attractive to most people. In order to make yourself irrisitable to others, communicate openness, confidence, acceptance, and interest. By maintaining an open body position, smiling when appropriate, looking at people in their eyes, and making the first move, you can initiate more meaningful interpersonal interactions. All of which is just being friendly, which is easy enough to do, right?

Types of Flirts

There are 3 main types of flirters. The first type is the Friendly type. This type is the honest to goodness innocent person who only seeks to open him or her self up for friendship. The friendly type sends out healthy messages, communicating to others "I am available to get to know." They do not have any other underlying agendas.

The second kind of flirt is the Intentional type. This flirt emits strong "approach me" signals, through both their verbal and non verbal behavior. They are direct and very aware of the signals they are sending. The intentions of this kind of flirt are often sexual in nature. This type tries to use their flirtatious nature to say and do things that others could never get away with.

The third kind of flirt is the Attention seeker type. This type sends out mixed signals, so you are never quite sure what their real intentions are. You are not sure whether to approach them or if they will approach you. This type also needs constant attention from others, as they often base their self worth on how much other people notice and/or like them. They tend to flirt with others for the the purpose of boosting their ego. They may or may not be aware that they are even flirting.

The Flirting Process:

1). Do they look you directly in the eye?

2). Do they smile and laugh a lot in your presence?

3). Do they wink or use exaggerated facial expressions?

4). Do they touch or try to get close to you?

5). Do they compliment you?

6). Do they ask a lot of questions, usually of the personal nature: (Does your grilfriend know your are here? What side of town do you live on)?

7). Do they demonstrate concern of of some sort? (Give/buy something, open the door for you?)

8). Make it a point to say hello and good bye to you

9). Spend a lot of time around you?

10). Make sexual innuendoes?

Five or more of these, you are being flirted with.

Maintaining your kavorka means keeping in mind the kind of attention you are seeking. Many single people make the mistake of only sending out their kavorka when heavily intoxicated. That is why you see bars across the nation filled with drunken people trying to put the moves on each other. They send out their kavorka energy all over the place, to whoever seems receptive. All of this meaningless energy can fool one into false sense of well being and aliveness. The problem with this kind of flirting is that it drains your enengy and you forget who you really are. Another problem is that you don't receive the kind of attention you are seeking from this kind of environment.

Levels of Flirting: Level 1: The Ice Breaker -- Level 2: The Introduction -- Level 3: The Invitation

Level one flirting should be kept light and playful, just trying to "break the ice" with the person. If you come on too strong, you may take it too far and turn the person off. Men are notorious for this and often never get to level 2 because they come off as offensive, obnoxious and rude. Breaking the ice can be accomplished either verbally or nonverbally. For example, "do you know which train goes into downtown," might get a conversation started. Sometimes a simple smile or wave can do the trick.

Level two flirting comes about after the other person has acknowledged your existence. At this point in the encounter, introduce yourself and start up a conversation. Level two flirting consists of light conversation. Non verbal expressions of "like," such as smiling, looking at someone intently, or a subtle touch is also common. Flattery can be a very effective flirting tool, if communicated in an honest and sincere way. Men and women alike may compliment the person on what he or she is wearing, the job they did at work, or their choice of decor. If you choose to use flattery, just be sure your compliment is sincere, as people can tell when you are just saying things you think we want to hear!

Level three flirting occurs after both people are clearly enjoying each other's company. This is when one or the other participants invites the other to do something. The invitation could be overt or subvert. Some prefer the direct approach such as asking:" Do you want to go out for a drink?" Some may prefer the indirect approach such as reaching out to hold the other person's hand.

Clearly, at each stage, intimacy grows. From level one where no intimacy exists to level three where the two people are really getting to know each other on a deeper level.

Gender differences in flirting

Men and women differ in their styles of flirtation. Women often flirt by smiling a lot, using the fixed glance, the hair flip, head toss, the lip suck, and the whisper in the ear technique. Some of their flirting props: include books, unique jewelry, a sketchbook, a writing pad, tattoos, or hats.

Men will flirt by using the tie stroke, eyebrow raise, the winning smile, and the arm guide. Some common flirting props: are books, a child or animal, interesting accessories such as suspenders or a unique tie.

Communication Tips:

Ask open ended questions

Never try to out do the other person's story

Zero in on areas of common interest

Don't interrupt

Ask for their opinions (but don't argue if and when they offend you)

Refer back to past conversations

Be willing to reveal yourself to others

Use his or her name often during the conversation

Don't start off every sentence with "I"

Listen more than you speak

Building A Social Portfolio

Edited from: Points of the Creative Age, Gene Cohen
You have a financial portfolio. Why don't you have a social portfolio? You want to build up as many assets as you can. In your social portfolio, the assets are your activities and relationships. You want to diversify, you want to prepare for a rainy day. You want group activities and individual activities. You want high-mobility and low-mobility activities. This way, if something happens to your mobility, you have backup low-mobility activities to draw upon.

You need to meet people over time and have a chance at relationship building. If you lose a spouse or a close friend moves, you have backup activities and relationships that help you deal with the loss.

Learning a new language, a new hobby, getting involved in art programs result in having more activities and interactions.

When you have a sense of control and mastery, you have positive health results. Where you have meaningful social interactions, that, too, produces positive results. People would go to these art classes weekly, and it was like getting a booster shot.

Such activities actually increase the number of essential connections among brain cells, including those for memory and response.

Many sleep and mood disorders can be eliminated by stimulating the brain; sleep problems are not an inevitable part of aging or decline in brain function.

Vocabulary expands well into the eighties among people who continue to challenge themselves intellectually through reading, writing, and word games -- having difficulty finding the right word is not inevitable

Capitalizing on our creativity, and having a positive outlook and sense of well-being, boosts our immune systems.

Where to Meet People

From a church forum on dating:

• You've just got to put yourself out there, join the singles club, go on the outings, involve yourself in activities and ministries and if you fancy someone, talk to them, show them you are interested by getting to know them. Be a blessing to others and ultimately, ASK HER OUT FOR A COFFEE AFTER CHURCH... AT THE CHURCH CAFE or join a table at the cafe. There must be plenty of single women hanging around the children's ministries. A man doing children's ministries is a huge turn on to women.

• If your church doesn't have a large amount of singles, there are outreaches at other church that have singles activites. I have met others through Christian websites as well.

• When I was single, no one from my church asked me out. If they had, most likely I'd have accepted. So ask. Keep it light and fun. No romantic dinner... try a hike or bike ride or maybe to accompany you to visit a missing member or older member who can no longer attend church.

The Hidden Codes: Party Behavior

The Aspergers Perspective

Socialization is a game for the non-literal. If you are less impulsive, you probably don't pick-up on the cues being signalled by the players. But when you go into a party full of laughing, drinking people, you're stepping onto a gigantic chessboard upon which the crowd is competing for mates and sex, social position, admiration, money, power, and just about anything else you can think of.

Some of us find this incredible. "Why would they play games like this with people they purport to like?" The fact is, ordinary people love the game of socialization and they assume everyone else does, too - so they don't think of it as offensive to play the game with one another. In truth, they're unaware that they're playing a game - they're simply "wired" that way. They're so deep into the game that they're not aware of it. But it fuels their interest in going to parties in the first place. They get a rush from the game, like a good set of tennis.

Therefore, much of the socialization you see hides maneuvers, and it's neither genuine nor lasting. It's not that ordinary people are all a band of insincere psychopaths manipulating each other for kicks (although the results are the same as if they were): It's that their genes are hardwired for this behavior, and they assume everyone else is too.

Now, literal-thinkers don't see their way in this game clearly, if at all. That's why we usually can't stand parties. We walk into a room of smiling, laughing people, and think, "If I were laughing and talking with somebody like that, I'd feel great, sincere and connected." We assume that the emotion-driven people feel that way, too.

But we don't see the deficit: Social acumen has the curse of constant gamesmanship -- and hiding of one's true identity. NTs at a party are like gambling addicts: they can't stop playing at socialization even if they wanted to. That's why droves of NTs wind up at therapists saying, "I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like everything is a lie". The game is playing them, and at that point, it's no longer fun. Their facade of friendship is no more real than is the performance at a play.


What Women Want

1. Girls don't like pussies. Sorry, it's the painful truth. If you feel sorry for yourself, you're being a pussy. If you whine and bitch about not having luck with them, then you're a desperate pussy.

2. Girls want to be seen as human beings. This sounds easy, but it's trickier than you think. If you think yourself to be a "nice guy" but you're pissed that girls always go for the "assholes", then you might be more of a jerk than you realize. In order to make a girl feel that you're treating her as a "human being", you have to see beyond the body - at least for the duration of the conversation. You actually have to listen to the things they say: they see the world in a very different way than guys do.

3. Girls are extremely demanding. They have high expectations from the men who "master" them. If you have declared yourself anti-social or disabled in some way, you won't do. Any real disadvantages you have in your personality As put you at a significant social disadvantage, but you're capable of learning all of subtle social skills that normal folks have... it just takes longer. The good news is, once you learn them, you'll probably be exceptional with them. This could very well take weeks, or years, but in the end, girls want you to.

4. The differences between one girl to another is much larger than the differences between two typical guys. Don't project similarities from one woman to the other.

Related ("a Sign In" link)

Singles Ads

Writing an effective Internet dating ad

If you read most of the dating ads today, they are full of fantasy and myth, and most sound very similar. "I have no baggage, looking for the same." I think these people are either nuns or are from another planet. We all have "baggage" from past relationships and even our childhood! I came across a really truthful ad written by an honest woman:

"I'm not a morning person at all; if you are, we're probably not a match. I'm not into watching sports on TV and will be bored if that sounds like a great Sunday afternoon to you. I spend my weekends on the tennis court or at the movies; I'm a nonsmoker who meditates daily. Sound like you? Please say hi."

Begin by listing all of the things you love to do. Follow that up with all the events that really turn you off. Then write your really strong traits, followed by your "challenges." After compiling these answers, write a really honest ad. You may be one of the minority who do this, but you'll be able to receive a higher response rate from people who are closer as a match.

If you use a photo, make sure it actually looks like you; not one that shows you ten pounds lighter, or with hair if you're bald, or exercising if you don't any more. Just be real. One of the major complaints about Internet ads is misleading pictures.


Your First Email Response

What do you say when you finally find someone you want to contact?

1. KISS-Keep It Simple Stupid. Just because you've read their ad doesn't mean that you know her. Keep your first message simple and fun.

2. Too much information (TMI) in your first email says that you have no boundaries. Don't move too fast by writing the story of your life in your first email. Make the other person discover who you are in stages.

3. Read through posted profiles, so that you can customize your messages. You will come across as desperate if people detect that you're sending out blanket messages to many people.

4. Find out more about the other person, look for areas of interest and compatibility

Don't Wait!

Be proactive, check for responses, perform searches and matches. Remember there are millions of other profiles online, yours might be under a pile somewhere.