If your attempts to meet people have resulted in frequent rebuffs, that's a common problem especially in new social forums. In those situations it's best to move onto someone else or somePLACE else. For most of us, though, the problem is that we pre-reject OURSELVES.
ON THIS PAGE: REJECTING YOURSELF
Getting Your Social Life Back In Gear
BREAKING THE ICE
•How to Make Small Talk
Where to Meet People
Asperger's & Party Behavior
What Women Want
Writing a Singles Ad
Get Going: The key ingredients you need to get your social life back in gear
[Edited from: www.azsinglescene.com/archives/getgoing.htm ] One thing is for sure, you need companionship and you should have discovered by now that you're certainly not going to meet Ms. Wonderful sitting home watching TV.
Unless you fall in love with the mailman, odds are Ms. Terrific is not going to come knocking on your door. It is going to take a lot of effort on your part, a lot of personal discipline to get dressed up and go out when it would be much easier to take a hot shower and go to bed.
You have to be alone for a while to get up enough "tired of being alone" motivation to get yourself going. But now that you have made up your mind to try it again, it's time to change your attitude. There's no gain in being bitter about rejection - Your attitude will make life pretty good.
If you're still smarting from the divorce or your last big hurt, read some good books on a positive mental attitude. Remember, everybody has scars from emotional hurts.
With your new positive mental attitude, you will be looking for the good in the people you meet and confident that you can maneuver events to your desired outcome.
If you think it is "impossible" to find an exciting person to spend the evening or a lifetime with, then it probably is. A negative attitude about single life is something you have to fight. You need to gain confidence that you are a great person in a great world and you are out to meet a great companion. EVERYTHING ELSE IS GOING TO TAKE A BACK SEAT until you firmly develop this outlook and master your world.
You are a product - a singles product. You have to sell the "product" if you want to attract the right person. You've got to make yourself the right person for someone else.
Part of attracting people is Positive Energy exuding from your attitue. If you're still sour grapes over your divorce or other rejection, you are not going to be the right person for anyone. Work on the personality.
Okay: we now need to polish up and package the product (you).
We all have the same materials to work with: the difference is how we shape and package our image.
All the world is a stage - are you showing the image that you really want to them to see? Step out of your body and take a good look at yourself. Are you put together and packaged to be attractive, a wanted commodity to the opposite sex?
Clothes. Select clothes that match your shape and colors that complement your coloring. Avoid anything far out until you really know where you are. No extremes, but do buy clothes that are fashionable.
Hair. If you or a friend can cut your hair in a professional manner, fine. Otherwise, this is one area you'll have to continually spend a few bucks for professional assistance.
For men and women, there is one basic fundamental that should not be overlooked: a good daily shower plus one before going out.
Underarm deodorant along with brushing the ivories are also fundamentals that shouldn't be overlooked.
Basically, show the other person you care about your appearance: they perceive that you value yourself, consequently they gain "status" by being in your midst. Make it a habit you do automatically, even when you are relaxing over a weekend.
Men and women both - don't comb your hair, etc., out in public. Primp in privacy.
You will soon discover which clothing and appearances (hair style, etc.) work the best for you. I have even heard of women bringing a change of clothing, wig - etc., along to a dance and if something isn't working or just not right, change. Now that might seem a little extreme to you but it does illustrate that packaging can make a difference.
But most of all, package yourself so that you have complete confidence you can successfully compete with all those other packages.
Your attitude and self-confidence are the fuel that make all the other preparations work. And they don't cost you a nickel. If you have some physical impairment, remember you aren't competing on a purely physical basis. Intellectually, you can compete 100%, so don't let physical impairment slow you down.
Now that you have confidence, you have the right attitude and right packaging, you haven't skipped and fundamentals- then you are ready to move into a new game. It's called get out and see and be seen as often as possible, as much as possible. Soon great things will happen.
Improving your social skills may start with looking at how you physically present yourself. We're not talking makeovers here; we're talking about posture, how you physically hold yourself. Many shy people try to take up as little physical space as possible, almost as if trying to make themselves disappear. Look at how you stand in front of a full-length mirror. Look at your posture. Like Mom said, stand up straight. Lift your chin a bit. Smile a little. Can you look relaxed and alert at the same time? Do you look approachable?
Try speaking to an imaginary person – maybe someone you'd meet at the gym or at a party. How's the tone of your voice? Do you naturally speak very softly? Trying increasing your volume a bit, which will help you sound more confident. As you look in the mirror, are you looking yourself in the eye? An open, friendly gaze and a firm handshake create a positive impression. If looking someone in the eye is uncomfortable for you, practice in front of a mirror or with a friend.
If saying hello is a problem for many shy people, sometimes it can be just as hard to say "No." People who have a problem with assertiveness often acquiesce to requests and demands; they may avoid situations where people are likely to make such requests, and that just adds to the sense of social isolation. (If you've ever given-in to a telemarketer when you didn't want to do so, you could probably stand to be more assertive!) Look the person in the eye if it's a face-to-face encounter. You may feel uncomfortable for a moment – many people do, because we've been taught to be "nice" – but you'll have more self-confidence after speaking forthrightly.
[Edited From: www.bodymindsoul.org/Emotional%20health%20articles/Shyness%20self%20doubt%20and%20social%20skills.htm ]
When you circle interesting personals, but never answer them, you have not escaped rejection. When you decide that someone you've seen at a party really doesn't want to meet you, or probably isn't interested in dating right now, anyway, you have not escaped rejection. You've simply kept them from rejecting you by rejecting yourself.
Social skills are LEARNED skills, including the ability to meet people and to carry on conversations. Maybe you aren't necessarily a big hit at first, but you get better with practice. WHEN YOU REJECT YOURSELF, YOU GUARANTEE THAT YOU WON'T MAKE ANY PROGRESS, PERIOD.
So the "success" of a social interaction is not in any particular outcome, but in the fact that you're trying. Like Babe Ruth, in order to have big hits, you must also be willing to strike out.
Besides, other singles appreciate how difficult the whole social process can be. They are more understanding of major social flub-ups from someone making a sincere effort, than minor flubs from someone who thinks they know it all.
And asking people for advice or help on how to handle situations is usually more endearing than upsetting. It's a good idea to say, "I'd like to go with you to Chelmsford, but I've never been and I feel there may be a more fun place to go to."
Not meeting people because you've pre-rejected yourself will end your social life. Playing the game, even with the occasional strike out, is a necessary war that we have to fight if we're to stake our claim to life.
Rule #1: Ask questions... any question! It is the simplest thing, and the most successful thing in making the first approach.
Rule #2: Let them know you are interested! Let them know you are interested in them more than just as a conversation mate. You might assume that they'd know this... Yet, you must break the barriers of formality by putting it into words. If you're in a crowd, Get them away from the group. Whether it's just going out by the pool or going to some other night spot. This is called "cutting one out from the herd." Changing location gets you away from all the competition and distractions. If you are somewhere that you may all soon be leaving, suggest going for coffee and continuing the conversation.
|Rule #3: Walk in like you own the place. Don't go apologizing around about your presence at that place. Excessive solitude breeds habits of inferiority - watch out for those! Don't let lack of confidence creep into your conversation. You win if you believe you win.|
[Edited from: www.sexinfo101.com/da_meetingpeople.shtml ]
|Nobody likes depressing or whining people. Everyone deals with their own problems as well as with their friend's problems - what makes you think they want to hear about yours? Although national defense against terrorist activity may be on a lot of people's minds, you have to find a topic that isn't depressing.|
You want to come across as fun, happy, and confident. Don't jump in with your name and life story. Say hello and test the waters. One-liners seem cheesy, but having something funny to say is the best way to break the ice. Once the ice is broken, the hardest part is done, so keep the conversation moving.
You want to keep the conversation flowing naturally. Start out with something in your current environment, and try to fish for some information about the person. When that topic dries up, move onto an open-ended question about something that they mentioned. We highly recommend not bringing up sex this early. Suggest going for a coffee.
Your clothing radiates your "libidinous aura" to your target. This conveys self-confidence, and unconceern for critics - important marks of power when endeavoring to make contact with someone new.
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How to Make Small Talk
If you DON'T understand how flirting and sexual tension work, then think when you were a kid and you used to "play fight" with your friends.
• You've just got to put yourself out there, join the singles club, go on the outings, involve yourself in activities and ministries and if you fancy someone, talk to them, show them you are interested by getting to know them. Be a blessing to others and ultimately, ASK HER OUT FOR A COFFEE AFTER CHURCH... AT THE CHURCH CAFE or join a table at the cafe. There must be plenty of single women hanging around the children's ministries. A man doing children's ministries is a huge turn on to women.
• If your church doesn't have a large amount of singles, there are outreaches at other church that have singles activites. I have met others through Christian websites as well.
• When I was single, no one from my church asked me out. If they had, most likely I'd have accepted. So ask. Keep it light and fun. No romantic dinner... try a hike or bike ride or maybe to accompany you to visit a missing member or older member who can no longer attend church.
Socialization is a game for the non-literal. If you are less impulsive, you probably don't pick-up on the cues being signalled by the players. But when you go into a party full of laughing, drinking people, you're stepping onto a gigantic chessboard upon which the crowd is competing for mates and sex, social position, admiration, money, power, and just about anything else you can think of.
Some of us find this incredible. "Why would they play games like this with people they purport to like?" The fact is, ordinary people love the game of socialization and they assume everyone else does, too - so they don't think of it as offensive to play the game with one another. In truth, they're unaware that they're playing a game - they're simply "wired" that way. They're so deep into the game that they're not aware of it. But it fuels their interest in going to parties in the first place. They get a rush from the game, like a good set of tennis.
Therefore, much of the socialization you see hides maneuvers, and it's neither genuine nor lasting. It's not that ordinary people are all a band of insincere psychopaths manipulating each other for kicks (although the results are the same as if they were): It's that their genes are hardwired for this behavior, and they assume everyone else is too.
Now, literal-thinkers don't see their way in this game clearly, if at all. That's why we usually can't stand parties. We walk into a room of smiling, laughing people, and think, "If I were laughing and talking with somebody like that, I'd feel great, sincere and connected." We assume that the emotion-driven people feel that way, too.
But we don't see the deficit: Social acumen has the curse of constant gamesmanship -- and hiding of one's true identity. NTs at a party are like gambling addicts: they can't stop playing at socialization even if they wanted to. That's why droves of NTs wind up at therapists saying, "I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like everything is a lie". The game is playing them, and at that point, it's no longer fun. Their facade of friendship is no more real than is the performance at a play.
2. Girls want to be seen as human beings. This sounds easy, but it's trickier than you think. If you think yourself to be a "nice guy" but you're pissed that girls always go for the "assholes", then you might be more of a jerk than you realize. In order to make a girl feel that you're treating her as a "human being", you have to see beyond the body - at least for the duration of the conversation. You actually have to listen to the things they say: they see the world in a very different way than guys do.
3. Girls are extremely demanding. They have high expectations from the men who "master" them. If you have declared yourself anti-social or disabled in some way, you won't do. Any real disadvantages you have in your personality As put you at a significant social disadvantage, but you're capable of learning all of subtle social skills that normal folks have... it just takes longer. The good news is, once you learn them, you'll probably be exceptional with them. This could very well take weeks, or years, but in the end, girls want you to.
4. The differences between one girl to another is much larger than the differences between two typical guys. Don't project similarities from one woman to the other.
Related ("a Sign In" link)http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=971
If you read most of the dating ads today, they are full of fantasy and myth, and most sound very similar. "I have no baggage, looking for the same." I think these people are either nuns or are from another planet. We all have "baggage" from past relationships and even our childhood! I came across a really truthful ad written by an honest woman:
"I'm not a morning person at all; if you are, we're probably not a match. I'm not into watching sports on TV and will be bored if that sounds like a great Sunday afternoon to you. I spend my weekends on the tennis court or at the movies; I'm a nonsmoker who meditates daily. Sound like you? Please say hi."
Begin by listing all of the things you love to do. Follow that up with all the events that really turn you off. Then write your really strong traits, followed by your "challenges." After compiling these answers, write a really honest ad. You may be one of the minority who do this, but you'll be able to receive a higher response rate from people who are closer as a match.
If you use a photo, make sure it actually looks like you; not one that shows you ten pounds lighter, or with hair if you're bald, or exercising if you don't any more. Just be real. One of the major complaints about Internet ads is misleading pictures.
Your First Email Response
What do you say when you finally find someone you want to contact?
1. KISS-Keep It Simple Stupid. Just because you've read their ad doesn't mean that you know her. Keep your first message simple and fun.
2. Too much information (TMI) in your first email says that you have no boundaries. Don't move too fast by writing the story of your life in your first email. Make the other person discover who you are in stages.
3. Read through posted profiles, so that you can customize your messages. You will come across as desperate if people detect that you're sending out blanket messages to many people.
4. Find out more about the other person, look for areas of interest and compatibility
Be proactive, check for responses, perform searches and matches. Remember there are millions of other profiles online, yours might be under a pile somewhere.